Ah, Alice, I remember thee
Francis: So, how are the boys coming along?
Alice: Don't get me started. Do I just happen to give off a 'wife' kind of vibe!?
David: It's your church-following ways.
Alice: I was, honestly, serious, this is a real story: I was at a bar with someone and I thought this guy was kinda cute and we started talking about what we're looking for. So I said 'oh I'm just looking to have fun' and do you know what he said!?
Alice: 'I'm looking for someone I can spend the rest of my life with" WHO SAYS THAT! WHAT!?
David: Even if he was looking for that... what gave him the bright idea to SAY it?
Alice: I DONT KNOW! WHAT about 'i want to have fun' matches with 'i'm looking for someone to spend the rest of my life with'!? It seems people just want to take me home to their mothers. How many guys in college are looking for a wife!? However many there are, I bet I've attracted all of them.
Lisa In Her Best Pt. II (The Best of Francis Pt....
David: I don't know what I did to get her to like me!
Francis: Yeah man! Sometimes girls just like stupid things we do! I can't explain it either!
Lisa: Is she at least cute?
David: Yeah, she's cute and pretty cool too!
Lisa: Then what the fuck are you waiting for!? Get at that! Shit, why do I have to spell it out to you!
Francis: Get yo' dick wet homie!
Lisa: ... yeah... what francis said... i guess.
Lisa In Her Best
David: I really don't know what to do about this new girl
Lisa: Will she bake you bread and make you hats?
David: No, not at all
Lisa: Well I hope she realizes she's got high competition. Actually, if you go for her, this is a step DOWN for you David, what are you wasting your time with her for anyways?
Spelling, Language, Logic, Rationale, Epic, Life...
James: Like many walrus?
James: Haha, rhombi?
David: Jesi? Multiple Jesus
James: plural BUS!
David and James: (laughter)
Peter: Jacki! HAHAHA!
David and James: What?
David: ........ WHAT THE FUCK!?
Peter: (said in a bitchy voice) sorrYY, I guess it wasn't funny enough
David: WHAT THE FUCK. That didn't make any FUCKING sense. WHAT THE FUCK!? ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS!? JACKI!? What about the words 'walrus' 'jesus' 'rhombus' and 'bus' gave the you the inclination that 'JACKET' matched at all!? WHAT!? SERIOUSLY!? They have the same endings! FUCK. You told me you took fucking LATIN in High School! How the fuck did you not .... SERIOUSLY!? ARE YOU SERIOUS!?
Today in Wurster, in the elevator, I heard two women having a conversation. It went a little something like this: Bitch: Yeah, my parents have been getting pretty mad at how I’ve been spending my money. Grown Ass Woman: What do you mean? Bitch: Well, they I spend too much Grown Ass Woman: How much are you spending? Bitch: Well, they send me 3000 a month— Grown Ass Woman: WHAT!? Bitch:...
Chimpanzees piss me the fuck off like no other animal on this planet. I constantly hear tales of how ferociously strong chimpanzees are and that they will “literally rip you arms off”. I’ve heard stories of how they gouge out people’s eyes and I’ve seen documentaries in which they become excessively territorial to the point of killing other chimpanzees and then eating...
You're Not Babysitting My Kids
Me: Man, kids seem like they'll be such a hassle. Here I am, eating at CPK, trying to enjoy myself, and then my baby just starts fidgeting. Gotta stand and shit, and rock it, or shake it, or whatever the hell you do.
Patrick: I can't wait to have kids so I can just... slap the shit outta 'em